I am in a season of self examination. Although, if I am honest, it feels like I almost always am. For better or worse I am constantly asking myself if I am truly listening and being faithful in what I am called to be and do; or making it up as I go along, justifying choices and tolerating complacency when I shouldn’t be or driving myself and others in some misguided attempt to “make a difference.” Have you ever felt that way?
Recently a question in Halley Gerth’s workbook “You’re Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are and Becoming All God Created You to Be” gave me pause.
“Where am I right now?”
At first pass the answer might be “finishing school” or “raising toddlers” or “transitioning to retirement.”
On reflecting again one might answer “Content” or “Overwhelmed” or “Thankful” or “Sad” or “Growing” or “Lonely” or “Drained.”
And again “Engaged in an important work” or “Surrounded with good friends” etc.
But what if we were ask that same question a few more times? Might our reflections deepen? Might we realize no one role or phrase or cause could ever describe the intricacy and variety that makes up the mosaic of our lives?
Might the move to “This is a season of great joy and deep longing. In the complexity and uncertainty of a rich, full life there are moments of great clarity that break through the months of clouded skies when it is difficult to hear or see. There are flashes of genius amidst the mundane. There are insights and there is confusion. There are heart wrenching scenes of beauty and devastating realizations of the brokenness of our world. Somedays the blinds of my room go up with expectation, somedays by an act of the will. Some days faith comes easily, some days I wrestle to find it. Some days prayer rises like incense, and other days with a groan and the sound of a beating chest. And somehow in the midst of all this God, through the mystery of the Incarnation, dwells. And somehow in the rising and falling He works. And somehow His Kingdom comes, like a mustard seed or a few grains of yeast hidden in mounds of flour. And the question becomes not “Where am I? or “Where are You?” but ‘Where are we?”
Where are you right now?